I started this blog three years ago. My thoughts were to have a place to document our house, have a creative outlet, help others… and something I’ve never shared with anyone, to make a career out of it.

Mike started SongMeanings when he was a teenager and has worked diligently on it for over 10 years. Once it became profitable, (many many years into it) we knew that when we had kids, Mike would quit his full-time gig and be a work-at-home parent. I wanted something like that for myself and I knew that the only way to get there was to not sit around and complain about it, but to bust my ass for it.

So I did something about it and started this little place on the internet three years ago. At the time, I had no clue there were other home blogs out there– I was seriously living in a hole. It was only after I started this that someone told me about Young House Love. It discouraged me at first, but Mike has been my biggest support system from day one. He told me that the beauty of the internet is that there isn’t just one site on a topic– there are many and many can be successful. So I kept chugging away and loved it more and more each minute.

The first day that I had 100 visitors I got a little misty eyed. I remember running up the stairs and telling Mike that people liked it– I could not believe that strangers were finding me. It was and continues to be incredibly rewarding to write this blog. The high I get off of coming up with a great idea, finishing a project or seeing one of my projects pop up on Pinterest is more than enough to keep me going. Which is good because as anyone who has a blog knows, it takes a long, long, long time to make any profit off of it. I knew this, as it took Mike probably a good 6 years of hard work and dedication to ever see a paycheck from SongMeanings.

Last summer, Mike and I decided to have a baby way sooner than we thought we would. The decision is another story for another post, but it also happened way sooner than we thought it would. Suddenly I was left with a semester of graduate school, pregnant and trying to keep up with this blog. I knew my dream of working on this full-time to be home with our future children was slipping away. Okay, it took a giant plummet.

I was, and still am, okay with that. My mentality has always been that I chose the career I have now and if I want something different, it’s up to me to change it. It’s been a lot of blood, sweat and tears, I’ve been discouraged a lot, but my forever confidence boosting husband has assured me that writing this blog is good for me. It has become so much more to me than a website that I make (very) little money from.

With all of that out in the open, we obviously welcomed Easton in May. I was fortunate enough to have 12 weeks home with him, since I got the standard 6 weeks of disability and NJ is 1 of 3 states that offers an additional 6 weeks of paid maternity leave (don’t even get me started on US maternity leave…) Which means I went back on Wednesday of last week.

Walking out the door that first day was beyond painful. I cried through the morning rendition of “If you’re happy and you know it” (Easton still laughed, he had no sympathy for me), I cried as I handed him off to Mike for his morning nap (which used to be my extra 2 hours of sleep with him), I kissed him and stared at him about 20 times before I actually got out the door.

Then I got to work…and I felt okay. I know how lucky we are. I didn’t have to drop Easton off at daycare. He is home with the only person who loves him just as much as I do and I couldn’t ask for more. Mike sent me texts, pictures and videos all day. There wasn’t a minute of the day when I didn’t know what Easton was doing. The first day I went home a little early and I left at 2.

That night when I got Easton to sleep, my ribs hurt. Then my back hurt. I figured I was just completely drained from the day, but the next morning, I was still dragging myself around in pain. First I thought I must have pulled a muscle, then I thought I hurt myself carrying Easton in the Moby wrap the day before, then I thought I must be getting sick, but I had no other symptoms. Throughout the day, I was told I looked like a tired new mother, which couldn’t be further from the truth because Easton was sleeping 11 hour stretches at night. Then one of my coworkers brought up the idea of mastitis.

By the next morning, I couldn’t lift Easton out of his crib and I knew that was what it was. I didn’t pump much over those 12 weeks at home since I hated it and it was easier to feed Easton myself. The last several weeks, I made it a point to have Mike give him a bottle a day so that he’d be used to drinking from it. He did well and my only concern all along was him. I never thought of the effect that pumping would have on me. It was only my third day back to work and I had to take a very precious day off and lay in bed all day.

All of the progress I felt like I made that first day back went out the window. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to continue to breastfeed, which then would give me even less time with Easton. I never thought I’d be one of those people so incredibly attached to nursing my baby and the thought of losing it was depressing, on top of feeling like crap all weekend. Many tears were shed about whether I made the right decision returning. I was mad at myself for not working harder at this blog to get to where I wanted to be.

Ever the supportive husband, Mike told me numerous times in the past week that he would go back to working a 9-5 job in addition to working on SongMeanings at night. But that is not the answer for us. The arrangement we have now works best for ALL of us and not just me. It’s not about me– it’s about Mike’s happiness and Easton’s happiness as well.

I had to start the return to work process again on Monday. This second time around was worse than the first. On top of the usual stresses, I had to make sure I was taking care of myself and pumping often.

It’s hard to keep my health in mind when my days have been non-stop. I try to get up before Easton does (around 5) to get myself completely ready so that I have time to play with him before he gets sleepy again. Once he starts rubbing his eyes, I pass him to Mike for their morning nap together and I leave. This works out well because Mike usually works until 2am and he’s able to catch an extra hour or two of sleep. I try to get out the door by 7, to get to work by 7:30. My job has an 8.5 hour workday to account for lunches. I skip lunch away from my desk and instead pump 3-4 times a day. One of my coworkers came by yesterday and told me how nice it must be to come to work and have a break. Yeah, some break!

I leave by 4 since Easton goes to bed at 7. I get so excited driving home and he has been so excited to see me. Really, I had no clue a 3 month old would react with giggles, flying arms and tight hugs. When bedtime rolls around, if he’s not in bed by 7 he gets pissed. We didn’t set the 7pm bedtime, he did. If I don’t leave by 4, like if I get in later than 7:30 in the morning, I miss precious afternoon time with him.

Which happened yesterday since I ended up having to pump at home in the morning. I got home around 5 and Easton was crashing by 6:30. I gave him a bath and rocked him to sleep. Once I put him in his crib and looked down on him, I cried my eyes out. There was just not enough time with him.

So I walked down the stairs and Mike saw me crying… again. He once again offered to go back to working an additional 9-5, but I told him to stop being ridiculous. I told him just need time to be sad, and I don’t know how much time. Maybe a day, maybe a week, maybe 18 years.

I got up and repeated the process yesterday, despite the fact that Easton has started waking up in the middle of his 11 hour stretch of sleep (bad timing, buddy). It was a little smoother and I got home early enough for loads of play time and cuddles.

As I left work, I ran into my boss’s, boss’s, boss. Yeah, someone quite a few levels above me. She asked me how it was being back and I said it was good, but I missed Easton. She told me that one of the VPs of the company said that when her son was born, she would go out to the parking lot to cry.

Ever since then I feel better. Often times, people think of a mother returning to work as a black and white issue– either you can or you can’t, you want to or you don’t want to, it feels right or it feels wrong. In reality, the issue is one giant grayscale full of emotions and even the most successful of women are not immune. Just because it doesn’t feel right doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. Just because some days you can, doesn’t mean that some days you can’t.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to make some tweaks, build my own business and work from home alongside Mike. Until then, it’s okay to feel sad and cry every now and then– I think it would be strange if I didn’t.

I know this wasn’t very house related, but I hope that sharing my experiences helps someone else out there. We’re hoping to get back on the project wagon once things calm down a bit. Until then, you can follow daily Easton pictures over at Macky & Co (which Mike finally caught up with!) and follow me on Instagram @lilhousecould. Thanks for reading 🙂

Back when I wrote my 100th post almost a year ago, I mentioned that someday we would like to have a more personal blog to chronicle our adventures as parents. Before we even found out I was pregnant, we were scheming as to what we would call it. We decided on….

And it’s now up and running! We hope to use the space to write about our lives as a family- with the baby, Macky, Mowie and Darwin (Diggy as he’s called around here). Other than that, we don’t know what the new blog will evolve into… text? pictures? weekly baby photos? Time will tell. For now, Mike has written most of the posts and it will give you a glimpse into our personal lives unrelated to the house. This blog here will remain house central (as well as my first love :))

Macky & Company is accessible via macky.co or mackyandco.com, hope you stop by 🙂

ps- I just posted a little bit about the reasoning behind our decision to find out the gender of our baby, but keep it a secret!

So I’m back in school for the semester and by the time Wednesday rolls around, I feel like I’ve worked a full week. My Tuesday night class is until 10:30, which means I don’t get home until 11:30 and I stay at work until almost 7 to leave straight from there. Darwin is also still getting chemo, which we’ve been doing on Wednesday afternoons, since our usual Tuesday evening appointments aren’t possible now. By Wednesday night, I usually collapse on the couch and need a time out.

I’m still trying to find a routine with everything. The spring semester was the hardest for me in content and workload, but my hardest class was on Mondays so I knew that all day Sunday was homework day. One of my online classes this semester has assignments due every Sunday and Monday, but they require participation and the topics aren’t posted until Tuesdays. So I can’t work on them on Sundays because starting late reflects on your grade and I have a strict no homework on Saturdays policy. See the above blurb about being over the week by Wednesday and well, last week I violated my no homework on Saturdays and ended up doing it then. This means I lost my part of my project day this past weekend.

I do best when I know, for example, Saturday is house project day, Sunday is homework, I blog Monday-Thursday and Friday is a day off. I just need to adjust my routine a little and figure out when to do the discussion posts for my online class sometime during the week. Which probably means collapsing and taking a nap after work on Wednesdays is no longer an option 🙂

Since we’re on a personal note, as you know a few weeks ago I went to a blogger meet up with Emily Henderson. While there, someone said I looked familiar, but I knew immediately that they couldn’t possibly know me since there are zero pictures of me on my blog. No, that partial landscape picture with me as an inch tall in my About section does not count. I’ve also been talking to Mike for a while about making some design changes around here (which will be slow coming, see above paragraphs about being stretched thin :)) Then even after that, I read one of those tips for bloggers things (sorry, I don’t remember where I saw it) where one of the tips was to have a picture of yourself so readers know who is talking to them.

You know where I’m going with this right? Photo shoot time!

Note: I put the awkward in Awkward Family Photos.

First it was just me…

Then Mike threw some of the entryway accessories in there to look more designerly…

Then, I added a prop! (okay she added herself. That’s Mowie, we call her our forgotten child. She’s not usually photogenic, though a wonderful cuddle muffin that sleeps with me nightly)

Then we kissed. Because she loves her momma.

Then someone decided he wanted to be included, but didn’t really want to be a part of the lame photo shoot. So he decided to photo bomb, as usual.

I look like I have a cat on my head. That would not be unusual around here…

I already changed up my picture on Twitter because let’s face it, I got married almost 2 years ago and the wedding picture was getting old. I haven’t decided which one to use on the blog yet, but like I said it requires that Mike and I sit down together and figure out how we want this thing to go. I haven’t mentioned this in a while, but Mike single handedly designed this entire blog and I don’t speak graphic design or code or any of that. Our usual process involves him handing me a piece of paper and telling me to draw it out so he can design it. Most of our changes are small and gradual since well, this little blog is at the bottom of his web design totem pole. Occasionally I lose my patience and add things on my own, but I have no time to learn new tricks these days. So progress will be small, gradual, baby steps (though you may have noticed some small changes here and there already). How did a post about being busy turn into talking about more things we want to do? 🙂

Anyone else have a full plate and just itching to blog and paint mirrors? Spill it.